Cordeliana’s Woes

OK….

If the title of this post somehow rings a bell (very melodramatic sia..) and U totally get what I am talking about…. Then Pls read on! If u dont know what the hell I am talking about, then probably U shouldnt read this post at all as it will u bore u to death.

It’s been so bloody long since i sat down and blogged. But today, I simply had to blog…. I do not know how else to direct my enthusiasm and fear and anxiety!!!! Yes, contradictory statement… But that’s how i feel…

I have cleared all the stages of the Apollo Justice game! OHMYGOD…. I cannot describe how bloody awesome the game is.

Trust me, I have had my DS Lite for almost a year… and I have never ever raved about any of the games I have played… Well…. maybe because I’ve been playing crap (but fun) games like Cooking Mama and stuff. SO most of my friends didn’t even know I have he darn console. I don’t talk about it.

I hardly carried it around or played on it in public. I am sooooo not a gamer la. Just made Hafiz buy me DS for the hell of it…

But OHMYGOD… Ace Attorney totally changed me… IT is such a goddamn brilliant game. The storyline…. would put even the best CSI episode to shame. The characters… the dialogue… the twists…. are nothing short of bloody amazing.

OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD. But I have cleared all the cases and even the huge major case. Luckily the other day I bought the earlier version. The "Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations" one. If I had not bought it, I will absolutely DIE. What would I do with my life if I have no other ace attorney cases to solve????

Now I found the other one at Tampines. "Justice for All" version. Ok once I am done with Trials and Tribulations, I am gonna get that one. After that, then WHAT???

DIE DIE DIE! What willI do????? Ok never mind. I shall pace myself. I will play T&T first, complete it. Then I go and buy Hotel Dusk: Room 215. I’l probably still go and buy Justice for All together with Hotel Dusk.

BUT i will be disciplined. I wont touch Justice until I complete Hotel Dusk. I will savour Hotel Dusk first (cos I read that its pretty damn awesome too…. plus u hold ur DS VERTICALLY so it will feel as though u are reading a graphic novel!)….

Then once I complete it…. I will give myself one week. That 1 week, I’ll go back to Trauma Centre and complete ALL the goddamn operations. Even the stupid tumour one (I absolutely hate hate hate draining all the bloody cytoplasm thingy)… And once I get my Highest level in Trauma Centre…..

I WILL START WITH JUSTICE FOR ALL….. MUAHAHAHA.

And even as I am playing Justice, I will pray and pray and pray hard that CAPCOM would have created a new Ace Attorney game. I dont care… THEY MUST!!!

And at the same time, I will go look for that elusive first edition of ACE ATTORNEY… when Phoenix was still a rookie lawyer. PLS TELL ME WHERE TO FIND IT.

PLEASE!!!!!!!!

I want to cry thinking about it. WHat will happen to me if I cannot find another game like Apollo Justice? I will be so so so so so so so bloody depressed la sia.

I can’t live my life just playing kiddie games la. I just bought Puzzle Quest yesterday also. To feed my lust for quests la. But the quests are idiotic la.. compared to quests (or rather, tasks) in Ace Attorney. I mean, in theory, Puzzle quest is good and rather clever la…. to get to another level, one must go combat training and go for quest all that rubbish… BUT THE BLOODY a game is similar to BEJEWELLED siak.

WTF! Like idiot right? U can choose to be druid or knight or warrior or wizard then can choose avatar all… (I chose to be this sexy warrior bitch whose father is a warlord or something). Sekali… u play Bejewelled… Anti climax right!!!

SO…. Please please…. if U know of a game thats similar to ACE ATTORNEY… DO let me know. I will be eternally grateful to you.

No one else understands me. Unless the person also played Ace Attorney before. Only then the person will understand the anguish I am going through. It’s too painful to bear…. the thought of CAPCOM deciding to put the producing ACE ATTORNEY series on hold. They have to, afterall, come up with a fresh storyline, witty dialogue, funny, over-the-top characters which are at the same time charming… and all the other technical rubbish which game programmers have to do la. HOW HOW HOW?????

What if I go mad and then got no choice coz i finish playing all the good games and then….. I decide to play Harvest Moon or Animal Crossing or that kind of game? MUAHAHAHHAHA. It’ll be humiliating!

Sigh..

My sanity is so…. fragile…

Today I did something amazingly weird. So freakin crazy.

I can’t say what it is. It has to be kept under wraps for awhile. I can’t let on the thing though it is begging to be bled out of my chest. Why? Why, U ask?

For the fact that I am unsure why I am doing this.

For the fact that I am scared shitless.

For the fact that I am still pissed at someone.

For the fact that I am not ready to face negativity.

For the fact that I know I hurt someone in the process.

For the fact that I am excited. Too excited.

For the fact that if I fail, I will be disgusted at myself.

For the fact that if I succeed, I might, unwittingly,find out who my real friends are.

For the fact that I am very sure I know who my real friends are.

For the fact that I know I am being selfish.

For the fact that I am not too sure if my mum would approve of my decision.

For the fact that I I want her to be so damn proud of me.

For the fact that today I realise, and will finally admit, that my husband is a major source of strength for me.

For the simple fact

That I have no real plans for the future. And it worries me.

I am so bloody perturbed.

To those who know what it is, thank u for understanding. Thank u for being supportive. Thank u for being my true friends. Thank u for listening to my rantings even when I call at 3 am in the morn. Thank u for agreeing with my nasty bitching about random people (I just can’t take it). Thank u for being so smart and generous in sharing ideas in some areas where I am totally clueless about (WTF! Did i just admit that there are in fact, some things that I DON’T KNOW?! Shit).

Thank you!

I know this is gonna sound terribly moronic but I feel like i am indirectly responsible for Dian’s mishap. Just yesterday i was whining like a bitch about how life is so boring yaddah yaddah. And at night, Dian, my lovely 9-month-old baby niece had a terrible accident that had caused the family so much trauma.

Went straight home to my mum’s house, only to realise the whole house smelled like blood. My brother came rushing at me and told me to try to console my mum. Apparently Dian was playing at in the kitchen with my mum and Faris. She tried to hang onto a small round table in the kitchen and it came crashing down. On her fingers. Her cute little small fingers.

Cut the story short, we rushed her to the hospital. She had an operation done on her. Her middle and fourth finger on her left hand were badly severed. Her little bones were crushed. Doctor said chances are, the top part of the middle finger will rot and get infected. They can’t tell if its gonna get ok. 70% of the finger was severed!

Can u imagine? She’s 9 months old, had a hole in her heart, now this. She’s still in hospital now. We’re all praying she’s gonna be okay. That her finger can grow properly. That the doctors dont have to amputate that lil finger of her. Pls pray for her too, if u’re reading this.

It really sucks when ur life comes to a standstill. You kinda just drift by, day by day. Its like you cant remember what day it is because it doesnt matter. Nothing happens.

And you get sucked into this weird routine that doesn’t bother you and you go to the same place everyday. Do the same things. Eat the same food. Order the same drink.

And then you start thinking to yourself, How did my life get here? How is it that nothing hurts anymore, nothing makes you laugh so hard that you get asthma, nothing makes your heart yearn, nothing makes you cry, nothing makes you tick, nothing makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

I think I desperately need to go for an exciting holiday. The kind which makes my blood rush again. Makes me feel scared outta my wits. Makes me miss people back home. Makes me yearn for cheng teng at bedok corner. Makes me wish i was back in my own safe home. Makes me yell out in shock. Makes me wanna kill someone. Makes me suck my breath and say "Ok here goes nothing" and then i wanna do it all over again. Makes me giggle for like 15 minutes straight with occasional pauses for air. Makes me forget that life is not about buying another bag or french lace to make me feel happy. Makes me realise that the only thing that can make me sad or happy is my own attitude towards the situation.

Fuck. I dont know what i am talking about.

Help me.

Yup yup.

Its that time of the year again when us teachers write meaningful, enriching remarks on pupils to be put into the report books.

Those in the trade would know what its all lip service rubbish. We sugar coat the comments we have for the little tyrants, just so the parents can slip into deeper states of delusion and denial about their sons/daughters/by-products of torrid one night-stands.

So, if we wanted to say that their little son is a self-absorbed prick, we say "He is confident and charismatic pupil."

If prick is talkative and cannot shut up, we say "He is a bubbly and active pupil."

If prick has no personality and always gets bullied by classmates for being so darn stupid, we say "He is a quiet and shy boy who needs to learn to get along with peers."

If prick is rude and an arse to everyone, we say "He needs to learn to communicate with others in a socially-acceptable manner."

So just now I was doing up the remarks for all the pricks in my class, I came to the biggest prick of them all. I hate this little arsehole. He has no bloody manners and should have been strangled to death at birth.

I didnt know what to write sia. So i turned to my goodytwo shoes colleague.

"Eh woman. How to say nice-nicefor this boy’s remarks ah? I want to say "Your son is a horrid little prick with no bloody manners and he can never change and he will be a lousy person when he grows up and i pray to God i never see him in any of my classes every again?" I asked.

"Don’t know leh," she replied.

I cracked up like a mad woman in the staff room, and as usual my kepo colleague all crowd around me and ask "Eh why u laugh until liddat? Tell tell!"

Sigh… So stupid.

Was discussing excitedly with nani yesterday about going to Sri Lanka to save the sea turtles. You know, one of those volunteer expeditions thingy. I was scouting around on yahoo and google with such fervour, one who saw me at my desk might have assumed I was desperately finishing up an Exam paper or something. I went from site to site, clicking on anything that mentioned "overseas volunteer" or "holiday workcamp" or the like.

But then today, something clicked. Who am i kidding? Do I do volunteer work here in my own home? Do I go to homes for the aged, voluntarily cleaning asses, go to SPCA helping out during feeding time, sign up for holiday camps with the Zoo to clean the animals’ enclosure (well….., I’m not sure if there are such prgms cos i never bothered to find out)? Do I even like the thought of getting down and dirty for the sake of other intentions besides for my own gratification?

What the hell am I doing? Finding out more on how i can travel all the way to Sri Lanka and save the turtles? Pay truckloads of money to go to South Africa and save the lions?

I am a charlatan, a faker, nothing but an impostor. I would only go because these places sound exotic and so that I can romanticise the notion of volunteering, boost up the cool factor among my colleagues (who adore me as it is for being so ‘rebellious’ - who would ever dare to go to Perth during the one-pathetic-week September hols? Got workplans to do right! Only yours truly would dare do such a thing).

So, NO. I won’t be going to Sri Lanka. Not even to Thailand to help rebuild an orphahanage. I can’t do it until I find it in my heart to do it all right here in Singapore. Commit to a little sacrifices once in while during my freetime to my own countrymen/women.

Till then, I’ll just be off every now and then for HOLIDAYS. Yes, the normal ones where i take a really cheap flight to wherever my heart is calling out to. Then arrive at my destination, find delicious food, beautiful places, take gorgeous pictures, spend my entire year’s savings on shopping for things i don’t need.

End of this year, its probably gonna be Hanoi. OOH! Anyone keen? CALL ME!!

P.S. Sorry, nani. Its not that I’m bubbling u. I just need to be true to myself.

Sekiranya kami tahu

Betapa singkat

Betapa cepat

Betapa perit

Betapa sedih

Betapa sepi

Takkan kami biarkan kau tunggu

Menunggu cita dicapai

Menunggu masalah selesai

Menunggu masa membuktikan

Kebenaran yang tidak nyata

Menunggu datang

Benda yang tak tentu tiba

Sekiranya kami tahu

Pasti kami sajikan

Lauk-pauk yang sedap belaka

Kata-kata yang manis sahaja

Gurauan yang tidak berbisa

Harapan yang dah jadi sempurna.

Tetapi kami tak sempat nak buat.

Tak sangka dah tiba masa.

Tak faham imbasan nya.

Menyesal tak sudah

Kerana tak nampak

Ilamat malapetaka

Yang sudah tertera di depan mata.

Kesal tak guna

Tangisan tak bermakna

Tanya "mengapa?" pun tak ada jawapannya.

Bukannya kami tak rela

Rela dan redha, ayah

Cuma tak kami sangka

Betapa singkat

Betapa cepat

Betapa perit

Betapa sedih

Betapa sepi…

There’s nothing more magical than sighting a whale while you are sitting on a deserted beach, eating cold nasi lemak (while shielding it from nasty magpies who aint scared of no human being), drenched from head to toe from the rain that got the temperature down from 17 to 5 degrees celcius.

Well, almost nothing.

Seeing dolphins in the wild, jumping around and surfing right under your boat comes a close second.

Especially when there’s a hot blondie right behind ya (driving the boat with his FEET), smiling a 1000-watt smile while watching you scream like a little girl while pointing at the dozens of dolphins swimming around you.

Oh god. What wonderful moments.

There are SOOOOO many bitches out there who bloody deserves a tight slap or two.

I really pity them who have to bitch-slap every one who crosses their path just so they earn a few cool points here and there. It won’t work. You’re too pathetic to begin with.

BABE…. You are sooo tragic. Go jump from the window or something.

This cheesy and non-stylistic poem is dedicated to all who have my life a little bit more screwed-up. Without these memories, I would be nothing. Thank you guys.

I really miss those times in school

When our daily life struggle

Included deciding between lunch at Macs or Long John’s

And we used to pool money for a cab when

Changing buses at the interchange was too much of a hassle.

We used to ponder over cheap hair conditioners and

Wondered if Ponds whitening cream worked at all

We’d skip econs lectures and hide at the foyer

Then went for a fag at the void deck opposite

Before heading for Tampines Mall.

If no one had ideas on what to do

We’d take the train to Bugis Street to pick up a dodgy VCD

Go back to one of our places and cook tomyam

Roast marshmallows over the gas stove

While watching some random pornstar acting all cheesy.

Ladies Night was a thrilling weekly event

We’d dress up all black to get a free pass

When guys sided us up we didn’t care or even glance

Coz when the hangover kicks in the next morning

I’d rather see your faces rather than a disgusting MAT jack-arse.

Now life’s supposed to be good with all the money we earn

But how is it that the dreams used to be so darn fly

And now that we have graduated and have the world in our hands

All we do is reminisce

Mourn over the youth that’s passed us by.